There seems to be no room in my life right now to quit. Everything that I have been working on has been a "working towards". This is all going to mean something greater than just the routine chores before me. My rehearsals and memorizations have been preparing me for the next step. But where is there any sort of place in me to take advantage of any sort of out? How might I go about calling this whole thing off and finding a pause within which I can readjust? The world isn't exactly begging me to take it easy... or is it? Somehow everyone took an extra step while I happened to be glancing away. And now what lies before me feels threatening, and may intend to expose me for what little remains. I guess that it is just the ever-growing weight on my shoulders that seems at times to be too much to bear. If I could only cut away from these little things that are filling up the space of each day, maybe then I could find a way to fix this condition of fear, which is feeding upon my apathy. No thanks to you all, I have been busily working away at trying to make the world a better place, one soul at a time. I do not make that previous jab because I am left alone in this. More so, I feel like I have been far too guilty of taking my cues from a world in love with its strenuous work ethic. All one needs to do is just close their eyes and allow themselves to dwell upon the ways that we have driven ourselves so merciless in the past. A little hard work never killed anyone, or so they have claimed all along. But let me be the first to express that I cannot take one more burden of existence, no matter how crucial you swear it to be. My life has been thrown between scores of souls that have staked their claim upon one way of living and one mode of thinking. And wouldn't you know it, no one seems to agree with each other any more (as if they ever did). I wish that I could say that these past few years have produced in me some kind of intelligence. All they really have done is filled me with more questions, along with the sense that I may not even remember what had been cleared up for me along the way. Am I playing small or possibly shying away from being known? Who is to say? All I know is that when I cross that stage and receive what I have worked long and hard for, there is no reason for me to believe that I am any further along the path towards being able to help others in the same direction. And what is to even be said for those seemingly dead set against the whole thing to begin with? What do I have to offer them, in terms of a well-crafted argument or refined skills of refutation? This whole thing could drive a soul mad; trust me, it is doing that very thing right now! So I guess that I am resolved to be one of the lone voices claiming that we must confess what we know, and be honest with that which we do not. No one soul holds the keys to all the questions, though some may claim to hold more than others (myself included). I certainly know where to look, where to point, and possibly how to pursue it. But my memory only serves me in retaining the basics, with a certain awareness of where we go from there. I have been taught to be unsatisfied with such. But I no longer see how I can hold both of these in comfortable tension, the knowledge of that which I am not more fully aware of, alongside of the deep contentment of knowing who I am and what I have to offer.
I want the Spirit to have His way, first in me and then through me. I want to find that this life that I am entering into is actually becoming the reality and less of an ambition. I want the things of this world to pale in comparison to the glorious beauty of God's goodness. I want every day to be lived with the reminder that I am in Christ. I want the words of my mouth to bless those that I once used to use as a punch line. I want a joy that will sustain me through the darkness. I want the pressures of my life to expose me to all the philosophical idols that I live by. I want His name to be the first and last thing on my mind throughout all my conversations. I want to turn to Him before I end up running out of other places to run to. I want to know that He is listening closely to my heart as I pour it out to Him. I want to learn what it means to die daily. I want to be ready to die before that day comes. I want for there to be no words left unsaid when I am gone. I want to see healing in all my fractured relationships. I want to feel the Lord's compassion in the midst of being completely overwhelmed. I want to know right here and now that this will all work out for His good. I want to know why I really thought those things would satisfy me to begin with. I want to feel the full weight of my helpless human state. I want to acknowledge that my God is the same God of Moses, David, Peter, and Paul. I want to know more fully the God that I am dealing and wrestling with. I want to get to the real meaning of the various stories of Scripture. I want to speak as they spoke. I want to see His return in my lifetime. I want to eradicate every motive I have for making God my inferior. I want a fresh sense of the Father's readiness to forgive His loved ones. I want to know that He is indeed not indifferent towards our circumstances. I want to bear the full expectation of a divine response. I want to feel how I want to feel. I want to know what a truly godly life looks like. I want to find myself in that place and remain there. I want His hands to draw together all my divided interests. I want to be sincere and genuine, and not just real. I want the first words of each day to acknowledge what the Father He has already done for me. I want to see that this isolation is just not working for me. I want to learn to give up my comfort for far greater things. I want to share in the sufferings of Christ so that it might change how I see the world. I want my ever-changing situation to no longer dictate my perception of the character of God. I want to be released from the burden of my ever-growing bitterness and resentment. I want to truly believe that God is good in the midst of my frustration and weariness. I want to be comforted by the fact that God cares. I want to sense the Father's presence at the center of my pain. I want to quit hurting those that I love. But over all these things, I want to quit hiding behind the facade of an upright and moral life, and I want to enter more fully into what it means to take up my cross and follow Christ.
I think that today I would just like to be left alone. I do not want to hear of another soul's joy. I cannot bear the weight of another soul's complaint. Today I would simply like to ball up inside and live this existence by myself. I do not think that I could cope with one more person's happiness, though I do not feel any sort of sadness that would resist such an emotion. It is just that I feel far too broken to have my life filled with anyone other than me. Maybe it is a case of the "blahs". Maybe it is me being bested by my selfish pride. But there is something deep within me that wants to begin a spring-cleaning of my soul, pushing everyone away that has a story to tell. Can I find the words to say it; I just do not care! No, actually it is that I just do not care right now. That's great that your life is so simply wonderful. But it just seems that I have far too much going on right now to have the perfect set of ears to hear. I cannot face one more group of people that have it all figured out. So I disconnect from my past. I disconnect from my future. I disconnect from everything that is going on all around me. And with one loud resounding cry, I proclaim my dissatisfaction with everything and everyone. Out go the humble, out go the emotionally needy, and out go the self-righteously pure of heart. I cannot take it anymore. Away with your diagnosis, even you souls that sit this very minute trying to make sense of these inward expressions. Do not try and make sense of my desires to bend my world into something far more manageable and suitable. No worries, for my joy will soon return. But it escapes me at moments such as these when I am begging for some sort of release from my social obligation to you. I do not have the perfect words for your reckless questions. I fear that I just will not be able to deal with it all today, at least for the time being. And though my eyes drift upon the images of a life at its best, nothing but the worst seems to be consuming my hopes of staying connected with you. It is not a case of my life being worse than yours. It is just that I cannot seem to find what it takes to keep up with this foolish exchanging of days and years. Yes, I truly am happy for you. But those actual words will have to wait for now - I am just not in a place where I can utter them. I guess all I can ask for is that you bear with me as I stumble through this reconciliation of my heart and my head. But do not expect that I can appease you while I am in this state of mind. There are parts of me that seem to have disconnected from the rest of me. And a disconnected creature cannot help but disconnect from the communities all around, even from those that look to him for any sort of reason or action.
If you love me, then why did you let me go? If you care so much for me, why did you turn away? Where were you in the moments of my greatest need? When I sought an answer, I got everything but a response. Never has it been so clear to me that you have no obligation to never leave me exposed. And now your movements have succeeded in only leaving me numb. I feel a sadness that wrenches away all hopes of sharing in another soul's joy. Was the pain that I felt in those hours enough to accomplish what you were hoping for? I was nothing short of completely foolish to ever think that I was untouchable. I had no doubt that both good and unpleasant have their place in the lives of those that follow and those that do not. But in times like there, I am only left wondering if I truly do stand where I have staked my claim so many times before. These are the days that consume the barricades of my heart and soul, melting away anything that does not have some sort of substance to it. And I have kept myself quiet long enough, or so I think, long enough for you to make your presence felt. But I fear you may have come and gone in the time that it took me to gather my thoughts and give credit where credit was due. Is there any way that you could speed things up, maybe allow the time that you hold within your hands to heal all my gapping wounds? Oh me of little faith, but I could have sworn that you said that you would be with me through it all, giving me nothing that would push me beyond my limits. This right here feels pretty deafening. Hard or soft, my heart may never be the same past this line on the floor. All the elements of life and death have served in volleying me between hope and discomfort. And I repent of taking anything and everything for granted. Shame on me for believing that I could trust in the One that holds my life to not expose me to that which purifies beyond recognition. I mean, can I really ever get my hopes up again? Or should I let disappointment guide my every mixed emotion? There is little to no honor in these words, but they come from a soul that is learning to rebuild a life one piece at a time. Far below them are attempts to know for certain if this is a sign of things to come. Have all these glances towards glory been to prepare me for when the rug would be completely pulled out from under me? Or has it been to make known all the doubts and dismissals that I have swept under it? I pray that what this has cost me is worth it in the end, for I would hate to think that you are in the business of overdoing it to simply prove your point.
I found myself in the middle of a divine appointment today. A lunchtime call sent us up to the hospital, thinking that we would be speaking our final words to a passing friend. But when we got there, word came back that he had already gone. Never have I ever walked into the kind of setting that I found myself in today, surrounded by friends and family impacted by the loss of a loved one. There he was, a soul that said so much to everyone without saying a single word. He was a man who made me long to end my life in the sort of place that I saw him living in. He lived in a place of incredible contentment and selflessness. His life spelled out for everyone he knew what it meant to live with grace and compassion. There are very few people who have laid their lives and ambitions down for my own sake, but he was certainly one of them. He showed us that life was best when it was shared. And there he was, a soul that had fought the good fight, finished the race, and kept the faith (2 Tim 4:7). A number of times, I found myself looking at his life and longing to be where he was years from now. Rarely did he ever allow the conversation to remain on him, always shifting the spotlight to my own life and situation. Even towards the end as he faced incredible personal pain, he never missed the chance to show how deeply he cared for me. I must admit, I was not ready for that moment when goodbyes could no longer be spoken face-to-face. Now all I can do is weep and rejoice, broken by his passing and lifted by his finally being released from the suffering found in his earthly body. I will miss him more than anything, for his was a life that gave life to everyone around him. He knew what it meant to give himself away. He spoke love and hope to me in every encounter. He cared himself as a man who deeply loved Christ, and longed to honor Him in any and every way. He proved that he was willing to pay the price to be used by the Father, investing in lives that continue beyond his own. He possessed such a resonating joy and contagious delight. He had a way of helping others realize what the Father has in store for those who abandon themselves to His control. And by His grace, I will never forget the example set by this man who was so devoted to the loving heart of our Heavenly Father. I rejoice on such a sad day, for this is the day that he receives his eternal reward for a life well-lived. We were truly blessed to have him with us!
I guessed we have all grown up by now. It did not take as long as we might have thought. And yet we wonder where all the time has gone from then until now. We are not the same as we once were, as hard as we fought to hold onto our roots. The view is different from all the way up here on our soap boxes, touting the virtues that we have learned to market ourselves with. Our paths have strayed for a time, only to bring us back together at the least critical time possible. And it is not only us that have changed along the way, but those onlookers that sought to shape our very nature. Our heroes are now mortals. Our closest friends are now tales told across tabletops. Gone are those that we thought we would have with us for years to come. Adventures have been exchanged for the meeting of heaped-up expectations. It is as if age and distance have caused everything in our worlds to grow silent. Our dreams only appear here and there, reminding us of how tall we once stood before them all. The excitement has dulled and we have learned to run the race as those before us. The years now afford us the opportunity to laugh at ourselves, only this time removed from the pain that seemed to endure for so long. Here and now, our stories become far more common than they were before. In every happenstance meeting, we run through the lists of "done" and "will do", since there seems nothing better to do than just live. We have come full circle, seeing each other now for who we ended up turning out to be. And judge or compare, we all now bear a strength that has been taught us in ways too deep to demonstrate. We must admit, we truly do love it here! The masks have finally come off, though we do now don these new ones. But there is a sweet release in knowing that we made it through everything that threatened our very existence as those that wanted to change the world (or at least the piece of it in which we lived). Yes, the rules have all changed. And at this point, we must now turn our hearts back to the truths that have managed to slip through our fingers along the way. We can be who we are in this very moment and be enjoyed for what we have to offer one another, even rejoice for those that finally got a hold of what they fought so hard to have. We stop and take in all the realities that make up these lives that we could only hope for in the past. So this is what it feels like to finally be here! I must admit, part of me deeply grieves over the fact that it is here and no longer far into the future. There was something special about being able to paint our stories with colors far brighter than the ones that shade our day-to-day. But then again, there are elements of each day that we find ourselves in that are made up of the moments that we never thought were possible. The stories told of our childhood now setup the unfolding of the years beyond. There is more to reminisce, there is more to forget, and there is more to lament over our loss of. Here and now, we can finally be happy for each other. We made it through the thick and thin, through all that we feared and every occasion that we tried not to face, and we refuse to go back.
The hope of any interaction that might take place between you and I is not just authenticity for its own sake ("I say who I am and that is enough?'). Rather it is so that our hearts and lives might lay exposed before the Gospel that implicates us all, and liberates those that come. We do not put everything on the table so that we can either feel better or worse about ourselves, but it is so that God might be seen more clearly amidst our situation, whatever the case may be personally. We ought not gather together so that we can know more about each other, but ultimately so that we might know more about Christ and be encouraged to know Him at even deeper levels. You see, there is a great difference between "being honest" so that we might wear the badge versus being honest about who we are so that we see our great need for a Savior. The journey of unwrapping the layers of our lives hopefully arrives at a place far beyond just being able to say that we are genuine creatures. We ought to be far more concerned with arriving at a place where we are closer to the heart of the Father Himself. All that to say, my story is insignificant apart from the reality of Christ's work in and through me. If my goal is to simply subtly elevate myself through public defamation, I cannot help but think that we have missed the point of gathering as fellow members of the Body. The parts must soon give glory to the head lest they believe themselves to be independent of Him completely. No doubt you and I have all experienced those occasions where we are called to be more truthful, only to feel that much emptier because of our selfishly inward bent and focus. Each moment of time holds the possibility of being released. But that cannot happen until we see the heart of the Christian life beyond our own experience of it, though it is not as if it does not concern it whatsoever. The Spirit has been at work in my life far longer than I have had the hope of making sense of it all. So when I leave it at that, the victory of the Cross remains untold in and through me. It is almost as if we fail to see God and His work as significant in our lives, all the while remaining content to fill our time with each self-effacing motion. The goal of our salvation is not our being repeatedly trampled down, but His being continually lifted up before us all. My moving deeper is only begun so that I might soon move outward and upward. At the heart of us all are conversations between the Spirit and our own, most of which revolve around our passions and fears. But the telling of those elements is only one part of it all. Realness does not end with our gut-wrenching "oneupmanship", all in the quest to see who has a more sordid past. Realness begins and ends with our rejoicing in things no longer being as they used to be. We cannot see ourselves clearly until we see Christ for who He is. And we cannot see Christ clearly until we see the bit parts that we play in the larger story of history and eternity. He is not just Savior just to us individually, but communally as well, as far as the ends of the earth. So to disarm self through giving up the facade of our makeshift existence only proves beneficial when we then enter into the fullness of our lives in Christ. It is not so much about our coming to Him as it is about His glorious coming to us in the moment of our greatest need, the event of His greatest sacrifice. The bearing of our souls with one other must culminate in its bringing to light every way in which we find our design fulfilled by its Creator. Everything else is simply aimless chatter about our shortcomings, as if that is still our state of being; apart from Him. For we are those that know so much better, and are known far better than we might admit.
There seems to be no room in my life right now to quit. Everything that I have been working on has been a "working towards". This is all going to mean something greater than just the routine chores before me. My rehearsals and memorizations have been preparing me for the next step. But where is there any sort of place in me to take advantage of any sort of out? How might I go about calling this whole thing off and finding a pause within which I can readjust? The world isn't exactly begging me to take it easy... or is it? Somehow everyone took an extra step while I happened to be glancing away. And now what lies before me feels threatening, and may intend to expose me for what little remains. I guess that it is just the ever-growing weight on my shoulders that seems at times to be too much to bear. If I could only cut away from these little things that are filling up the space of each day, maybe then I could find a way to fix this condition of fear, which is feeding upon my apathy. No thanks to you all, I have been busily working away at trying to make the world a better place, one soul at a time. I do not make that previous jab because I am left alone in this. More so, I feel like I have been far too guilty of taking my cues from a world in love with its strenuous work ethic. All one needs to do is just close their eyes and allow themselves to dwell upon the ways that we have driven ourselves so merciless in the past. A little hard work never killed anyone, or so they have claimed all along. But let me be the first to express that I cannot take one more burden of existence, no matter how crucial you swear it to be. My life has been thrown between scores of souls that have staked their claim upon one way of living and one mode of thinking. And wouldn't you know it, no one seems to agree with each other any more (as if they ever did). I wish that I could say that these past few years have produced in me some kind of intelligence. All they really have done is filled me with more questions, along with the sense that I may not even remember what had been cleared up for me along the way. Am I playing small or possibly shying away from being known? Who is to say? All I know is that when I cross that stage and receive what I have worked long and hard for, there is no reason for me to believe that I am any further along the path towards being able to help others in the same direction. And what is to even be said for those seemingly dead set against the whole thing to begin with? What do I have to offer them, in terms of a well-crafted argument or refined skills of refutation? This whole thing could drive a soul mad; trust me, it is doing that very thing right now! So I guess that I am resolved to be one of the lone voices claiming that we must confess what we know, and be honest with that which we do not. No one soul holds the keys to all the questions, though some may claim to hold more than others (myself included). I certainly know where to look, where to point, and possibly how to pursue it. But my memory only serves me in retaining the basics, with a certain awareness of where we go from there. I have been taught to be unsatisfied with such. But I no longer see how I can hold both of these in comfortable tension, the knowledge of that which I am not more fully aware of, alongside of the deep contentment of knowing who I am and what I have to offer.
I want the Spirit to have His way, first in me and then through me. I want to find that this life that I am entering into is actually becoming the reality and less of an ambition. I want the things of this world to pale in comparison to the glorious beauty of God's goodness. I want every day to be lived with the reminder that I am in Christ. I want the words of my mouth to bless those that I once used to use as a punch line. I want a joy that will sustain me through the darkness. I want the pressures of my life to expose me to all the philosophical idols that I live by. I want His name to be the first and last thing on my mind throughout all my conversations. I want to turn to Him before I end up running out of other places to run to. I want to know that He is listening closely to my heart as I pour it out to Him. I want to learn what it means to die daily. I want to be ready to die before that day comes. I want for there to be no words left unsaid when I am gone. I want to see healing in all my fractured relationships. I want to feel the Lord's compassion in the midst of being completely overwhelmed. I want to know right here and now that this will all work out for His good. I want to know why I really thought those things would satisfy me to begin with. I want to feel the full weight of my helpless human state. I want to acknowledge that my God is the same God of Moses, David, Peter, and Paul. I want to know more fully the God that I am dealing and wrestling with. I want to get to the real meaning of the various stories of Scripture. I want to speak as they spoke. I want to see His return in my lifetime. I want to eradicate every motive I have for making God my inferior. I want a fresh sense of the Father's readiness to forgive His loved ones. I want to know that He is indeed not indifferent towards our circumstances. I want to bear the full expectation of a divine response. I want to feel how I want to feel. I want to know what a truly godly life looks like. I want to find myself in that place and remain there. I want His hands to draw together all my divided interests. I want to be sincere and genuine, and not just real. I want the first words of each day to acknowledge what the Father He has already done for me. I want to see that this isolation is just not working for me. I want to learn to give up my comfort for far greater things. I want to share in the sufferings of Christ so that it might change how I see the world. I want my ever-changing situation to no longer dictate my perception of the character of God. I want to be released from the burden of my ever-growing bitterness and resentment. I want to truly believe that God is good in the midst of my frustration and weariness. I want to be comforted by the fact that God cares. I want to sense the Father's presence at the center of my pain. I want to quit hurting those that I love. But over all these things, I want to quit hiding behind the facade of an upright and moral life, and I want to enter more fully into what it means to take up my cross and follow Christ.
I think that today I would just like to be left alone. I do not want to hear of another soul's joy. I cannot bear the weight of another soul's complaint. Today I would simply like to ball up inside and live this existence by myself. I do not think that I could cope with one more person's happiness, though I do not feel any sort of sadness that would resist such an emotion. It is just that I feel far too broken to have my life filled with anyone other than me. Maybe it is a case of the "blahs". Maybe it is me being bested by my selfish pride. But there is something deep within me that wants to begin a spring-cleaning of my soul, pushing everyone away that has a story to tell. Can I find the words to say it; I just do not care! No, actually it is that I just do not care right now. That's great that your life is so simply wonderful. But it just seems that I have far too much going on right now to have the perfect set of ears to hear. I cannot face one more group of people that have it all figured out. So I disconnect from my past. I disconnect from my future. I disconnect from everything that is going on all around me. And with one loud resounding cry, I proclaim my dissatisfaction with everything and everyone. Out go the humble, out go the emotionally needy, and out go the self-righteously pure of heart. I cannot take it anymore. Away with your diagnosis, even you souls that sit this very minute trying to make sense of these inward expressions. Do not try and make sense of my desires to bend my world into something far more manageable and suitable. No worries, for my joy will soon return. But it escapes me at moments such as these when I am begging for some sort of release from my social obligation to you. I do not have the perfect words for your reckless questions. I fear that I just will not be able to deal with it all today, at least for the time being. And though my eyes drift upon the images of a life at its best, nothing but the worst seems to be consuming my hopes of staying connected with you. It is not a case of my life being worse than yours. It is just that I cannot seem to find what it takes to keep up with this foolish exchanging of days and years. Yes, I truly am happy for you. But those actual words will have to wait for now - I am just not in a place where I can utter them. I guess all I can ask for is that you bear with me as I stumble through this reconciliation of my heart and my head. But do not expect that I can appease you while I am in this state of mind. There are parts of me that seem to have disconnected from the rest of me. And a disconnected creature cannot help but disconnect from the communities all around, even from those that look to him for any sort of reason or action.
If you love me, then why did you let me go? If you care so much for me, why did you turn away? Where were you in the moments of my greatest need? When I sought an answer, I got everything but a response. Never has it been so clear to me that you have no obligation to never leave me exposed. And now your movements have succeeded in only leaving me numb. I feel a sadness that wrenches away all hopes of sharing in another soul's joy. Was the pain that I felt in those hours enough to accomplish what you were hoping for? I was nothing short of completely foolish to ever think that I was untouchable. I had no doubt that both good and unpleasant have their place in the lives of those that follow and those that do not. But in times like there, I am only left wondering if I truly do stand where I have staked my claim so many times before. These are the days that consume the barricades of my heart and soul, melting away anything that does not have some sort of substance to it. And I have kept myself quiet long enough, or so I think, long enough for you to make your presence felt. But I fear you may have come and gone in the time that it took me to gather my thoughts and give credit where credit was due. Is there any way that you could speed things up, maybe allow the time that you hold within your hands to heal all my gapping wounds? Oh me of little faith, but I could have sworn that you said that you would be with me through it all, giving me nothing that would push me beyond my limits. This right here feels pretty deafening. Hard or soft, my heart may never be the same past this line on the floor. All the elements of life and death have served in volleying me between hope and discomfort. And I repent of taking anything and everything for granted. Shame on me for believing that I could trust in the One that holds my life to not expose me to that which purifies beyond recognition. I mean, can I really ever get my hopes up again? Or should I let disappointment guide my every mixed emotion? There is little to no honor in these words, but they come from a soul that is learning to rebuild a life one piece at a time. Far below them are attempts to know for certain if this is a sign of things to come. Have all these glances towards glory been to prepare me for when the rug would be completely pulled out from under me? Or has it been to make known all the doubts and dismissals that I have swept under it? I pray that what this has cost me is worth it in the end, for I would hate to think that you are in the business of overdoing it to simply prove your point.
I found myself in the middle of a divine appointment today. A lunchtime call sent us up to the hospital, thinking that we would be speaking our final words to a passing friend. But when we got there, word came back that he had already gone. Never have I ever walked into the kind of setting that I found myself in today, surrounded by friends and family impacted by the loss of a loved one. There he was, a soul that said so much to everyone without saying a single word. He was a man who made me long to end my life in the sort of place that I saw him living in. He lived in a place of incredible contentment and selflessness. His life spelled out for everyone he knew what it meant to live with grace and compassion. There are very few people who have laid their lives and ambitions down for my own sake, but he was certainly one of them. He showed us that life was best when it was shared. And there he was, a soul that had fought the good fight, finished the race, and kept the faith (2 Tim 4:7). A number of times, I found myself looking at his life and longing to be where he was years from now. Rarely did he ever allow the conversation to remain on him, always shifting the spotlight to my own life and situation. Even towards the end as he faced incredible personal pain, he never missed the chance to show how deeply he cared for me. I must admit, I was not ready for that moment when goodbyes could no longer be spoken face-to-face. Now all I can do is weep and rejoice, broken by his passing and lifted by his finally being released from the suffering found in his earthly body. I will miss him more than anything, for his was a life that gave life to everyone around him. He knew what it meant to give himself away. He spoke love and hope to me in every encounter. He cared himself as a man who deeply loved Christ, and longed to honor Him in any and every way. He proved that he was willing to pay the price to be used by the Father, investing in lives that continue beyond his own. He possessed such a resonating joy and contagious delight. He had a way of helping others realize what the Father has in store for those who abandon themselves to His control. And by His grace, I will never forget the example set by this man who was so devoted to the loving heart of our Heavenly Father. I rejoice on such a sad day, for this is the day that he receives his eternal reward for a life well-lived. We were truly blessed to have him with us!
I guessed we have all grown up by now. It did not take as long as we might have thought. And yet we wonder where all the time has gone from then until now. We are not the same as we once were, as hard as we fought to hold onto our roots. The view is different from all the way up here on our soap boxes, touting the virtues that we have learned to market ourselves with. Our paths have strayed for a time, only to bring us back together at the least critical time possible. And it is not only us that have changed along the way, but those onlookers that sought to shape our very nature. Our heroes are now mortals. Our closest friends are now tales told across tabletops. Gone are those that we thought we would have with us for years to come. Adventures have been exchanged for the meeting of heaped-up expectations. It is as if age and distance have caused everything in our worlds to grow silent. Our dreams only appear here and there, reminding us of how tall we once stood before them all. The excitement has dulled and we have learned to run the race as those before us. The years now afford us the opportunity to laugh at ourselves, only this time removed from the pain that seemed to endure for so long. Here and now, our stories become far more common than they were before. In every happenstance meeting, we run through the lists of "done" and "will do", since there seems nothing better to do than just live. We have come full circle, seeing each other now for who we ended up turning out to be. And judge or compare, we all now bear a strength that has been taught us in ways too deep to demonstrate. We must admit, we truly do love it here! The masks have finally come off, though we do now don these new ones. But there is a sweet release in knowing that we made it through everything that threatened our very existence as those that wanted to change the world (or at least the piece of it in which we lived). Yes, the rules have all changed. And at this point, we must now turn our hearts back to the truths that have managed to slip through our fingers along the way. We can be who we are in this very moment and be enjoyed for what we have to offer one another, even rejoice for those that finally got a hold of what they fought so hard to have. We stop and take in all the realities that make up these lives that we could only hope for in the past. So this is what it feels like to finally be here! I must admit, part of me deeply grieves over the fact that it is here and no longer far into the future. There was something special about being able to paint our stories with colors far brighter than the ones that shade our day-to-day. But then again, there are elements of each day that we find ourselves in that are made up of the moments that we never thought were possible. The stories told of our childhood now setup the unfolding of the years beyond. There is more to reminisce, there is more to forget, and there is more to lament over our loss of. Here and now, we can finally be happy for each other. We made it through the thick and thin, through all that we feared and every occasion that we tried not to face, and we refuse to go back.
The hope of any interaction that might take place between you and I is not just authenticity for its own sake ("I say who I am and that is enough?'). Rather it is so that our hearts and lives might lay exposed before the Gospel that implicates us all, and liberates those that come. We do not put everything on the table so that we can either feel better or worse about ourselves, but it is so that God might be seen more clearly amidst our situation, whatever the case may be personally. We ought not gather together so that we can know more about each other, but ultimately so that we might know more about Christ and be encouraged to know Him at even deeper levels. You see, there is a great difference between "being honest" so that we might wear the badge versus being honest about who we are so that we see our great need for a Savior. The journey of unwrapping the layers of our lives hopefully arrives at a place far beyond just being able to say that we are genuine creatures. We ought to be far more concerned with arriving at a place where we are closer to the heart of the Father Himself. All that to say, my story is insignificant apart from the reality of Christ's work in and through me. If my goal is to simply subtly elevate myself through public defamation, I cannot help but think that we have missed the point of gathering as fellow members of the Body. The parts must soon give glory to the head lest they believe themselves to be independent of Him completely. No doubt you and I have all experienced those occasions where we are called to be more truthful, only to feel that much emptier because of our selfishly inward bent and focus. Each moment of time holds the possibility of being released. But that cannot happen until we see the heart of the Christian life beyond our own experience of it, though it is not as if it does not concern it whatsoever. The Spirit has been at work in my life far longer than I have had the hope of making sense of it all. So when I leave it at that, the victory of the Cross remains untold in and through me. It is almost as if we fail to see God and His work as significant in our lives, all the while remaining content to fill our time with each self-effacing motion. The goal of our salvation is not our being repeatedly trampled down, but His being continually lifted up before us all. My moving deeper is only begun so that I might soon move outward and upward. At the heart of us all are conversations between the Spirit and our own, most of which revolve around our passions and fears. But the telling of those elements is only one part of it all. Realness does not end with our gut-wrenching "oneupmanship", all in the quest to see who has a more sordid past. Realness begins and ends with our rejoicing in things no longer being as they used to be. We cannot see ourselves clearly until we see Christ for who He is. And we cannot see Christ clearly until we see the bit parts that we play in the larger story of history and eternity. He is not just Savior just to us individually, but communally as well, as far as the ends of the earth. So to disarm self through giving up the facade of our makeshift existence only proves beneficial when we then enter into the fullness of our lives in Christ. It is not so much about our coming to Him as it is about His glorious coming to us in the moment of our greatest need, the event of His greatest sacrifice. The bearing of our souls with one other must culminate in its bringing to light every way in which we find our design fulfilled by its Creator. Everything else is simply aimless chatter about our shortcomings, as if that is still our state of being; apart from Him. For we are those that know so much better, and are known far better than we might admit.
